Columnist

Liquid error: invalid date

The Landlady: Getting a little lost in translation ...

So, after a summer of staying put in Brighton, autumn is upon us in a flash and the season is winding down on the Pier. I have actually enjoyed staying and working very hard in Brighton for three months, although the heat-wave helped. I managed to earn some money and used the time to renew my passport, which only took three weeks to come back, although my new photo looks like that of a person who ought to be on Crimewatch. Shame that I’m stuck with it for the next ten years!

Keys to a house
I’m off to Turkey with my friend Miss T next week. Because my Turkish house has been rented out for much of July and August (presumably to mad people who can live in 40 degree heat without aircon), I am not looking forward to seeing what kind of condition it’s been left in, as my letting arrangement is a little haphazard to say the least. I literally threw my keys at a new Turkish friend in a bar on the seafront the night before I left last time, and hoped for the best, which is possibly not the best method of renting out a property …


In the meantime, I am intent on letting the rooms in my house in Brighton ready for the winter.

With these lettings, I have to be a little more selective, as the lodgers will be living in my house at the same time as me and my family. In years gone by, I’ve not been perhaps quite as exclusive as I ought to have been and have ended up with some pretty awful people. Therefore I am engaging the services of ‘Spareroom.com’, which is a marvellous website, full of professionals (or so they say) looking for a new home.


With a figurative scythe, I have immediately eliminated young couples – they take over the living-room – and people who want to ‘have fun and hang out with other housemates’ as this is one housemate who needs her space when she gets home. Anyone who is interested in baking (ie; making a mess of the kitchen) has also been given the heave-ho, as have people who ‘go wild at weekends’. Nightmare!


Ideally, I am seeking a rich hermit with no social skills and a propensity for early nights and take-aways. An air stewardess (away most of the time!) applied and I responded to her immediately, describing the suitability of my home and suggesting a viewing. I never received a response and wondered why, until I saw the message I’d sent her, where instead of describing my house as a ‘family home’, I’d suggested, with a little help from predictive text, that I was a ‘Foamy Ho’. Technology, eh?