Columnist

Tue 02 Dec 2014

The Landlady: Sells like team spirit …

When my mother died several years ago, she left her estate to be equally split between me and the three children. No one was allowed their share of the estate until they turned 25, which clearly I did a long, long time ago.  Two of ‘The Children’, on a good night with a fair wind behind them, have their knees tucked firmly under the kitchen table of adulthood. The Big Daughter is happily ensconced in a velvet-lined womb of domestic bliss with her boyfriend in Hove. Reports seem to indicate that she is STILL the messiest and laziest person of all time and I have to admit to a sneaking admiration of her lack of regard for domestic duties, while I still scurry around after my sloppy lodgers like an angry and vengeful Mrs Mopp, poised to stab someone in the eye with their own unwashed fork.

landlady
I do however also have to admit to being very grateful that she is no longer exercising her vehement domestic carnage in my house. The Big Son is still living at home but has domestic manners that would set off gaydars all over town. He even uses ‘Shake and Vac’ when he cleans his bedroom, the residual odours of which fill my own bedroom with a not entirely classy haze when I’m vacuuming, taking me back to a very low point in my life somewhere in the mid-eighties ...


The Shake and Vac is probably the only downside of living with The Big Son, who is otherwise a model housemate. In spite of us getting along rather well, The Big Son is ambitious and keen to move out – he will be 25 next summer and we recently had a family pow-wow, during which it was decided that we will sell my mum’s house and divide the money. This is an exciting concept, until you realise that the proceeds of said house, when divided between four people, will barely stump up the funds for a beach hut in Hove.


I have informed the executor of the will of our plans and hope – for The Big Son’s sake – that all goes smoothly. Meanwhile, The Big Daughter and I are deliberating what to do with this unexpected windfall, and The Small Daughter will have to wait another 12 years for hers, which is not a bad thing ...